Insecurities...that is such a touchy subject. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it sounds. I hate the way when you look at the word it makes you think about yourself and what youre insecure about. And that makes you...well insecure. It is a horrible cycle round and round...well I for one am getting off this ride.
For years I have had a rough relationship with certain people in my life. You know the kind of relationship I am talking about. The one that makes you feel chained. You cant say or do anything right. And if you DO have an opinion its wrong. Walking on eggshells should be a sport, I would be able to take it to the olympics!
Anyway, about a year ago I gave it up to God. Left it in His hands. And He has been shaking it up. Its funny actually, these people...the ones I have been having this hard time with for a LONG time, its like they are new people. Or maybe I am?? Or maybe we all are? Its hard to comprehend how that works isnt it? One day I am in tears, hysterical actually, because of things that have happened or were said and the next week we are having lunch??
But here is the thing, where that insecurity comes into play...I have been talking to friends of mine at church about this situation, telling them what happened for all these years and how God has made me a stronger person. (at least I think so) Hoping that by talking about things I can get over them.
One of my friends met these people for the first time about a week ago. The reception was awesome to say the least. Laughing and joking..having a great time. So, how do I feel about this? I feel .. like crap. Really?! These are the people that I have endured so much from and the first time I bring my friend there they hit it off. I dont honestly know what I was hoping for. I was not expecting her to spit on them, or to tell them off. I wasnt hoping that she would knock them out for being so nasty. I think I just wanted less of a good time? Is that wrong?
As I type this I feel a little selfish. I feel really wrong. These are good people...they do their best. How dare I feel this way. On the other hand, I feel like my friend will like these people, who are changing day by day, and think that I am insane. That I made half the stuff up and should be an author. Maybe God is using this situation to teach me a lesson about talking to people about my troubled relationships and not to Him?? Maybe He is using this to see how much I have actually changed. I can say I forgive them. I can say I am moving on. But, to forgive and move on isnt as easy as it sounds. Its not like I have a magic eraser for my memories... I mean there is A LOT of hurt there. I do forgive them, I do love them. I wish them all the happiness I really do! I cant figure out why I felt that way. In the end its really about what God knows not how we feel. God knows my heart, good and bad. I know I cant fight through this vine of insecurities on my own so, again I am giving it all to God. I am a work in progress, God is not even close to being finished with me yet.
First of all, I feel your pain. I remember me talking to you about my merry-go-round and how I was finally getting off of it. Everything you said rang true with me...the eggshells, not being able to say or do anything right, etc... and I love you for being honest.
ReplyDeleteI also know EXACTLY what situation you are talking about :) LOL And I understand... It's hard. It's hard when you have had crappy things said and done to you and then the very person that does it to you, everyone else thinks they are "the victim" or the sweetest person in the world, or nothing like you have experienced them to be! Bottom line is, if your friend knows you and loves you, you are the one she supports and will stand by. Yes, she might be kind and and have a good experience with people that hurt you, but at the same time, she knows in the back of her head what they have put you through and would never, ever want that to happen again. Being kind and friendly to people that do not know the Lord and reflecting a Christ-like attitude toward them so that they can see what Christians are really like is one thing. But THIS friend will always love and support you and stand beside you. THE END!!!